Anti-Morning

May 21, 1975

What the hell kind of lodge has Brutus joined? Some sort of of Civil War re-enactor/French Foreign Legion/Egyptian Pharaoh mix. This guy looks like he stumbled out of Crock.

But then you'd just end up hating Wednesday afternoons. Also, you would then be in school until after the 4th of July going only two and a half days a week, if not longer. Look, I am all for school schedules to be individualized for both the student and parents but laying in bed isn't going to get that to happen.

That Candle Is Awful Close To That Wreath

Small Wonder debuted in syndication on September 7, 1985. It was a reasonably popular series running for four seasons and 96 episodes. Its popularity was probably due to it being very kid-friendly for those coming home after school. Despite this, Small Wonder is considered one of the worst sitcoms ever by just about everyone. The premise is simple but stupid. Engineer Ted Lawson (Dick Christie) invents a robot that looks exactly like a young girl in order to help disabled children. He takes it home for some reason and hijinks ensue every week. The robot's name is Vicki (a variation of the robot's description Voice Input Child Indenticant, or V.I.C.I.) and it speaks in a monotone voice, has no emotions, but is able to do a multitude of different things, some lasting only for one episode.

Small Wonder was created by Howard Leeds and starred Dick Christie, Marla Pennington, Jeremy Supiran, Emily Schulman, and Tiffany Bissette. Let's go over the pilot episode. Some commentary here also appeared in an issue of Gyrbynerjk. You can watch the pilot for yourself here.

This is quite possibly the worst theme song I've ever heard. It's a syrup concoction of insipid words that attempts to explain the premise of the show but fails miserably because the premise of the show is utterly stupid.

Why is he eating outside? Do they not allow food in the building?

Now wait a minute. Jamie just gave a soliloquy about how he wishes he had someone to play with--a brother or sister--and someone actually comes over to play and he slams the door in her face.

"Harriet deserves it. She's a pill and she's nosy. What a waste of womanhood." I guess we can check off those boxes on the male child character personality checklist. He hates school. He talks about sex. He complains about women. He's whiny about everything.

He at least eats his vegetables.

So Ted, the guy that can't eat at work, comes home and is upset that his boss didn't want to talk about his weird child-like robotic sex helper doll. Ted believes this could be a world-changing invention. I mean, I get it but I find realistic robots disturbing and even more so when they are girl-child slave robots.

I'm sure Tiffany Bisette loved being able to be mocked by someone just holding up a CPR dummy.

Ted is given permission to work on his robot at home so we fade back in this guy has a little girl laying down on a chest in the bedroom and he's telling her to blink her eyes and wiggle her nose. Anyway, the newly-coined Vicki is now ready to be foisted upon an unsuspecting family. Being TV characters, I feel they take this better than they would in real life.

Joan: "You're putting us on. That's a real kid, right?" Ted: "No, no. It's a robot." So it's not technically illegal, says some pervert in the YouTube comments.

The next day, Jaime (Jamie?) wakes up and lets Vicki out of some weird toy chest/closet. "We've got work to do," he exclaims to Vicki before telling her to pick up his dirty clothes before saying he'll show her how to make his bed. The laugh track finds this hilarious because "Why can't he pick up his own crap? Ha ha!" but this is exactly how Vicki is supposed to work. It is supposed to be a robotic housekeeper. Everything Ted said about Vicki helping disabled kids or teaching is a pipe dream. We all know what something like Vicki will be used for.

Despite not mentioning it at any point before now, it's Ted and Joan's anniversary so Jamie and Vicki go downstairs to make them some breakfast in bed. Harriet comes over and wants to know who the new, weird girl is. Vicki is Jamie's cousin but it takes a few minutes to actually get to that because Jamie has to offer that Vicki is his sister first. What? Why?

I do like Harriet's hair.

Anyway, Jamie slams the door in Harriet's face again and it's time to go serve Ted and Joan their breakfast--which consists of bowls of cereal and grapefruit. There were going to be eggs but Vicki crushed the eggs and ruined them. I don't know why Jamie has to explain where their bedroom is to Vicki. She was created there so should know where it is.

Let's see how Ted and Joan are celebrating this anniversary on this beautiful morning.

Ted's reading an instruction manual. I don't know how Joan's panties haven't flown off yet. After complaining about 11 years of inconvenience, Ted does roll on top of Joan but are then interrupted by Vicki who wishes them a happy anniversary from her and Jamie and then throws the tray of food at them.

This is definitely the funniest part of the episode. Jamie, and Vicki, are sent to his room as punishment. I don't know why. It's not Jamie's fault Vicki misunderstood the command. I feel that's on Ted.

Jamie believes that if he gets his parents an anniversary present then he won't be in trouble anymore. "Dad sleeps late on Saturday so I'll be back before they wake up." What? They were just awake. Vicki threw breakfast at them.

Jamie puts Vicki in the closet and goes to a store and buys some sort of glass dish. Vicki, for some reason, arrives at the store, is believed to be a store display, and placed in a closet. Oh, no! How will Jamie and Vicki get out of this predicament?

Vicki tears the door off the hinges and they run home to find Ted and Joan waiting for them. "Why did you take Vicki out of the house?" Ted asks. "I didn't. I put her in my closet. I don't know why she followed me," is what Jamie should've said but doesn't. Jamie gives his parents his gift and he and Vicki are once again banished to Jamie's bedroom.

Upset at Vicki, Jamie banishes her to the closet but then feels bad. I don't know why. Jamie is one of the few 80s sitcom kids that's innocent. Vicki's the bad one. Anyway, Jamie apologizes, Vicki rips the door off the closet. "I can see I'm going to have nothing but trouble with you," Jamie says, rolling his eyes.

"Trouble," Vicki monotones and smiles.

So Vicki is going to kill us all. And this is the last thing we'll see before we die.

She's a small wonder, lovely and bright with soft curls. She's a small wonder, a child unlike other girls. She's a miracle, and I grant you, she'll enchant you at first sight...

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Sherman's Lagoon

There are an awful lot of Boxing Day themed comics today. I'm not sure why other than it's December 26 and a Sunday so there's more room to talk about it. None of the comics get Boxing Day correct though.

B.C.

There are also a decent-sized number of comics making jokes about supply chain issues and riling up the people in the comments. I don't know why you would want to take an issue as politically volatile and complex as supply chain issues and condense it into a eight-panel comic strip but you do you, I guess.

I don't why Peter had to read B.C.'s note either but, again, you do you.

Dark Side of the Horse

O...kay...Is there a reason the characters are drawn in Don Martin's style? It's great that you're a fan, Kerplotznik, but this was jarring.

Crock

Nothing like giving your mother the gift of pornography to warm the cockles of your heart.

The Family Circus

Why are all these stuffed animals so nightmare-ish? I'd stick with the older stuffed animal, you know, the one I've already conquered, too.

Gasoline Alley

Oh, no you don't. I rang in a new year back in 2021 and 2020 and both years turned out to be crap. No more new years. We should've stopped counting back in 2020. It should technically be March 666, 2020.

The Born Loser

I am happy to report that the three Matt Damon/Jason Bourne movies (Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum) are all available to stream this year, unlike back in 2019. The first two are on HBO Max and the third is on Peacock.

If these two streaming services owned by massive global conglomerates would like to give me a few bucks for maybe throwing some viewers their way, they or even you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

Why Did Wilberforce Put the Radio In the Oven?

The word moron was coined in 1910 by Henry Goddard. It was originally used to describe someone with an IQ of between 51 to 75 but has since fallen out of usage in the psychological community. In the 1940s and into the 1950s, "moron jokes" were the go-to joke people would go to. The were meant to be insulting and usually featured somewhat dumb people doing dumb things. Why did the moron tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills. The moron joke fell out of favor in the late 1950s and was replaced by the knock-knock joke until around the mid-1960s when the elephant joke became popular.

In 1943, Milrose Publishing in New York published two digest-sized comics on Little Moron. The comics were by Abbott "Heck" Hoecker and (Ruth) Clydene "Ilda" Oliver. The first book featured Little Moron and the second book featured Sizstor, which I'm assuming is pronounced "sister". Hoecker passed away in 2001 in Rochester, New York while Oliver passed away in 1993 in Denton, Texas.

I can't believe someone would pay 35 cents for this thing back in 1943. Look, I'm not demeaning what Heck and Ilda did here, but 35 cents? That was an entire hour of work back then.

And there's our racial slur. That's enough of these. Onto today's comics.

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Curtis

Who knew that Curtis was in the pocket of Big Post Office?

Seriously, the post office is important. Go out and buy some stamps. I do and they last forever because I mail, like, one or two things every year.

panels from Hagar the Horrible

Is this one of Hagar's worst nightmares? Him getting cucked by a court jester? I mean, it doesn't even look like anything is really happening. The jester is just hitting Helga was his...bindle?

Crock

I don't know what dress Grossie bought but if it's anything like that blue one, she just wasted her money.

She's never gonna take off that niqab and we know it.

panel from Dark Side of the Horse

Ok. Why does Horace have pictures of Krazy Kat and the cat bus from Totoro on his wall? He's a horse, why is his bedroom theme "cat"?

Arlo & Janis

Sorry, Arlo and Janis. I don't care about the Army and Navy as branches of our military. I certainly don't care about them playing football.

The Born Loser

Wilberforce should've been given something to make an outline or a graphic organizer to help organize his thoughts. The teacher should also be walking the kids through this since assigning a book report to 4th graders is something that probably doesn't happen very often.

I said that was enough!

If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

(He wanted to hear hot music.)

A Talking Ape?

Clown

Dr. Philip McHenry returned home from a long shift at the hospital. He pulled into the driveway, the garage door slowly rising to let him in. He noticed something in the yard but didn't think anything of it until he saw the glint off of an eye staring at him.

He slammed the car into park and got out. He ran over to the mass which was mangled and bloodied. "Eloise!" he exclaimed as he rolled his daughter onto her back. She had been stabbed several times and practically disemboweled. Her empty eyes stared up at him but there was nothing he could do now. "Theresa! Troy! Helena! Savannah!" he quickly stood up and ran to the house. He went into the garage, which was open now, and saw someone tied up, bleeding out from the stomach. "Jerry?" Jerry, his best friend, was still alive but barely. "What is going on? Who is doing this?"

Jerry just gurgled, blood oozing from his mouth. "Cluh..." he stammered and then passed out.

Dr. McHenry stepped into his house where his wife and three other children were being chased and attacked by a monstrous looking clown. His family had been cut numerous times before he had arrived but was still putting up a fight. The clown was wearing a red dress with white polka dots, bright yellow shoes with red puff balls on the toes, and a hat that resembled a capotain pilgrim hat only it was as red as the dress. The clown's teeth were cartoonishly sharp and it carried a stick in each hand along with a knife in one hand and a saw in the other. McHenry's youngest, Savannah, became the next victim. She was knocked down by a stick, slit open by the knife, and then sawed in half--from head to crotch. The clown smiled the entire time and then went after the family again.

Dr. McHenry got involved and tried to get between his family and the clown. He tried to catch the clown's eyes and then saw it. "Grandma?" he gasped. His grandma had been dead for years but here she was. Back from the dead as a demented evil clown intent on murdering his entire family. "What are you doing?"

She attacked him. The knife slicing his shirt. While the knife missed Dr. McHenry, it struck Troy in the eye. The clown repeatedly stabbed Troy until he no longer moved. It then began sawing his body in half. "Come on, we have to get out of here," Dr. McHenry said. "The car is in the driveway. Let's go." He took Theresa's hand and Theresa took Helena's hand and they tried to outrun the clown. A saw sliced through Theresa's arm and the clown knocked down Helena and sat on top of her as it began sawing through Helena. She screamed until the saw entered her brain and then went quiet. It was just Dr. McHenry and Theresa now. They went into the garage where Jerry was still hanging, now definitely dead.

"What's Jerry doing here?" Theresa screamed.

"I don't know. Grandma Evil Clown must've brought him here to kill him as a warning or something," Dr. McHenry panted. They were almost to the car when Theresa went down and took Dr. McHenry with her. The clown was on top of her using the saw on her just like with Helena. Theresa screamed until the saw entered her brain. Dr. McHenry had enough. He grabbed a baseball bat that was leaning against the wall of the garage. He began swinging. "What are you doing? Stop doing this!" he shouted. He kept swinging the bat. "Why are you doing this?" the bat made contact, knocking the clown off of Theresa, not that it mattered.

The clown made no noise as it stood back up and began approaching Dr. McHenry with knives, sticks, and saws drawn. Dr. McHenry slowly backed up trying to keep the clown at bay while also making his way to the car. The clown began swinging his weaponry around, backing Dr. McHenry against the car. The sticks made contact with his arm and hands, knocking the bat out of his hand. The clown made a couple thrusting motions and the knife went into Dr. McHenry twice. Reflexively, his hands went to his wounds and he began falling to his knees. The knife came at him several more times, he tried to dodge or block to no avail.

Still living and breathing, the clown began sawing into Dr. McHenry like it had the rest of the family. Out in the street, a car slowed down and began turning into the driveway but abruptly stopped. It was the car that belonged to another friend of Dr. McHenry. Upon seeing the demented clown sawing through Dr. McHenry, the friend continued driving and disappeared down the road.

This story originally appeared on my Ko-fi. If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a cup of coffee. The picture, which inspired this story, was drawn by a former student.

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Mallard Fillmore

Once again, the broad "humor" of Mallard Fillmore turns something perfectly serviceable into something confusing. Is this a commentary on parents forcing their kids not to do something because they deem it dangerous or it is commentary on "we won't let you drink pop but you can shove earbuds in your head all day"? Or is it a commentary on government overreach and taking away "muh freedoms"? I guess it's possible it could be all of them.

Marvin

I had to see this stupid comic so you have to, too.

Crock

Handy that the ancient desert tribe carved the reason for the crying rock into the rock. Shame that those around now can't take two seconds to stop and read though.

The Born Loser

I think you would know if Uncle Ted smoked, Brutus. He's a man in his 70s(?) and they aren't going to keep that part of their life hidden anymore.

Great. 2019 has now infiltrated our Sunday comics. God, I hope Chip is back on Monday.