That Candle Is Awful Close To That Wreath

Small Wonder debuted in syndication on September 7, 1985. It was a reasonably popular series running for four seasons and 96 episodes. Its popularity was probably due to it being very kid-friendly for those coming home after school. Despite this, Small Wonder is considered one of the worst sitcoms ever by just about everyone. The premise is simple but stupid. Engineer Ted Lawson (Dick Christie) invents a robot that looks exactly like a young girl in order to help disabled children. He takes it home for some reason and hijinks ensue every week. The robot's name is Vicki (a variation of the robot's description Voice Input Child Indenticant, or V.I.C.I.) and it speaks in a monotone voice, has no emotions, but is able to do a multitude of different things, some lasting only for one episode.

Small Wonder was created by Howard Leeds and starred Dick Christie, Marla Pennington, Jeremy Supiran, Emily Schulman, and Tiffany Bissette. Let's go over the pilot episode. Some commentary here also appeared in an issue of Gyrbynerjk. You can watch the pilot for yourself here.

This is quite possibly the worst theme song I've ever heard. It's a syrup concoction of insipid words that attempts to explain the premise of the show but fails miserably because the premise of the show is utterly stupid.

Why is he eating outside? Do they not allow food in the building?

Now wait a minute. Jamie just gave a soliloquy about how he wishes he had someone to play with--a brother or sister--and someone actually comes over to play and he slams the door in her face.

"Harriet deserves it. She's a pill and she's nosy. What a waste of womanhood." I guess we can check off those boxes on the male child character personality checklist. He hates school. He talks about sex. He complains about women. He's whiny about everything.

He at least eats his vegetables.

So Ted, the guy that can't eat at work, comes home and is upset that his boss didn't want to talk about his weird child-like robotic sex helper doll. Ted believes this could be a world-changing invention. I mean, I get it but I find realistic robots disturbing and even more so when they are girl-child slave robots.

I'm sure Tiffany Bisette loved being able to be mocked by someone just holding up a CPR dummy.

Ted is given permission to work on his robot at home so we fade back in this guy has a little girl laying down on a chest in the bedroom and he's telling her to blink her eyes and wiggle her nose. Anyway, the newly-coined Vicki is now ready to be foisted upon an unsuspecting family. Being TV characters, I feel they take this better than they would in real life.

Joan: "You're putting us on. That's a real kid, right?" Ted: "No, no. It's a robot." So it's not technically illegal, says some pervert in the YouTube comments.

The next day, Jaime (Jamie?) wakes up and lets Vicki out of some weird toy chest/closet. "We've got work to do," he exclaims to Vicki before telling her to pick up his dirty clothes before saying he'll show her how to make his bed. The laugh track finds this hilarious because "Why can't he pick up his own crap? Ha ha!" but this is exactly how Vicki is supposed to work. It is supposed to be a robotic housekeeper. Everything Ted said about Vicki helping disabled kids or teaching is a pipe dream. We all know what something like Vicki will be used for.

Despite not mentioning it at any point before now, it's Ted and Joan's anniversary so Jamie and Vicki go downstairs to make them some breakfast in bed. Harriet comes over and wants to know who the new, weird girl is. Vicki is Jamie's cousin but it takes a few minutes to actually get to that because Jamie has to offer that Vicki is his sister first. What? Why?

I do like Harriet's hair.

Anyway, Jamie slams the door in Harriet's face again and it's time to go serve Ted and Joan their breakfast--which consists of bowls of cereal and grapefruit. There were going to be eggs but Vicki crushed the eggs and ruined them. I don't know why Jamie has to explain where their bedroom is to Vicki. She was created there so should know where it is.

Let's see how Ted and Joan are celebrating this anniversary on this beautiful morning.

Ted's reading an instruction manual. I don't know how Joan's panties haven't flown off yet. After complaining about 11 years of inconvenience, Ted does roll on top of Joan but are then interrupted by Vicki who wishes them a happy anniversary from her and Jamie and then throws the tray of food at them.

This is definitely the funniest part of the episode. Jamie, and Vicki, are sent to his room as punishment. I don't know why. It's not Jamie's fault Vicki misunderstood the command. I feel that's on Ted.

Jamie believes that if he gets his parents an anniversary present then he won't be in trouble anymore. "Dad sleeps late on Saturday so I'll be back before they wake up." What? They were just awake. Vicki threw breakfast at them.

Jamie puts Vicki in the closet and goes to a store and buys some sort of glass dish. Vicki, for some reason, arrives at the store, is believed to be a store display, and placed in a closet. Oh, no! How will Jamie and Vicki get out of this predicament?

Vicki tears the door off the hinges and they run home to find Ted and Joan waiting for them. "Why did you take Vicki out of the house?" Ted asks. "I didn't. I put her in my closet. I don't know why she followed me," is what Jamie should've said but doesn't. Jamie gives his parents his gift and he and Vicki are once again banished to Jamie's bedroom.

Upset at Vicki, Jamie banishes her to the closet but then feels bad. I don't know why. Jamie is one of the few 80s sitcom kids that's innocent. Vicki's the bad one. Anyway, Jamie apologizes, Vicki rips the door off the closet. "I can see I'm going to have nothing but trouble with you," Jamie says, rolling his eyes.

"Trouble," Vicki monotones and smiles.

So Vicki is going to kill us all. And this is the last thing we'll see before we die.

She's a small wonder, lovely and bright with soft curls. She's a small wonder, a child unlike other girls. She's a miracle, and I grant you, she'll enchant you at first sight...

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Sherman's Lagoon

There are an awful lot of Boxing Day themed comics today. I'm not sure why other than it's December 26 and a Sunday so there's more room to talk about it. None of the comics get Boxing Day correct though.

B.C.

There are also a decent-sized number of comics making jokes about supply chain issues and riling up the people in the comments. I don't know why you would want to take an issue as politically volatile and complex as supply chain issues and condense it into a eight-panel comic strip but you do you, I guess.

I don't why Peter had to read B.C.'s note either but, again, you do you.

Dark Side of the Horse

O...kay...Is there a reason the characters are drawn in Don Martin's style? It's great that you're a fan, Kerplotznik, but this was jarring.

Crock

Nothing like giving your mother the gift of pornography to warm the cockles of your heart.

The Family Circus

Why are all these stuffed animals so nightmare-ish? I'd stick with the older stuffed animal, you know, the one I've already conquered, too.

Gasoline Alley

Oh, no you don't. I rang in a new year back in 2021 and 2020 and both years turned out to be crap. No more new years. We should've stopped counting back in 2020. It should technically be March 666, 2020.

The Born Loser

I am happy to report that the three Matt Damon/Jason Bourne movies (Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum) are all available to stream this year, unlike back in 2019. The first two are on HBO Max and the third is on Peacock.

If these two streaming services owned by massive global conglomerates would like to give me a few bucks for maybe throwing some viewers their way, they or even you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

Does the Camera Show Shady Throwing Anything?

B.C.

So either the cast of B.C. has become aware that they are in a comic strip or they consider whoever created the Heavens and the Earth God but call him "The Artist". I'm fine with either scenario.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith

This is about my extent of trying to get rich. This and posting on this website every day hoping for a book deal or something.

Dennis the Menace

I'm assuming this is Dennis' maternal grandfather. What I always thought was interesting is that this grandfather sort of looks like Mr. Wilson. Is this why Dennis spends a lot of his time with Mr. Wilson, to vicariously be with his grandfather who he doesn't see very often? That's quite sad.

Curtis

My mama's fat ass equals jobs, Derrick.

Slylock Fox and Comics for Kids

Or...whoever through the rock, climbed through the broken window, grabbed the rock and left back out through the broken window. Although Shady is looking through the window cackling at how stupid the three of them are so maybe he is guilty.

Why is Max standing in the shards of glass with no shoes on? Is that the example we want to set for kids?

Someone Hose Ed Off, Please

Amazing Spider-Man

"Why not just turn him over to the cops?"

"Because he still has his powers. His sorcerous powers. His dangerous sorcerous powers. Did you not see him use his powers? Were you in the same magical, dream-like negaverse that we were? Ugh, sometimes, I swear..."

Family Circus

I was going to make a comment on tipping and why you should do it. Most waitpeople make under minimum wage, make up for wages in tips, work really hard, blah blah blah. Instead, I'm going to comment on the hilarity that is Jeffy in the booster seat while PJ is sandwiched between his parents. Look how happy PJ is! And Jeffy even spilled his water!

Crankshaft

So we're all fine with a 70-whatever-year-old man wandering around with sloppy joe on his shirt and face? Today's strip should've had Ed buy some cotton candy and in the last panel have things stick to him. Just complete the whole Ed-is-a-toddler look.

B.C.

Few of you probably remember the ABC series Dinosaurs. It lasted from 1991 until 1994 and was created by Michael Jacobs (Boy Meets World/Girl Meets World) and was the last thing Jim Henson had a hand in before his death. Anyway, the series ended with all the dinosaurs going extinct because they had accidentally caused a bug to go extinct, so they had to use weed killer to keep invasive plants from spreading which caused all plants to die so they threw bombs into the volcanoes to create clouds so it could rain but instead caused ash to cover the planet blocking out the sun. I'm assuming the same thing happened here, Mason just changed it from "bomb" to "rain dance".

Funky Winkerbean

FYI, Funky Winkerbean has been talking about adding the letter 'E' to a name for the last four days. Tom Batiuk gets paid for this!!

B.C.

When B.C. is making fun of your online tactics, then maybe it's time to restrategize.

Family Circus

*Thel comes into the house disshelved, dirty with mud and grass stains, carrying mud covered dry cleaning bags*

Bil: "Oh my God, Thel, what happened?"

Thel: "I had a close call..."

*hearing a pun, Billy jumps up and runs off to draw this cartoon*

Thel: "...A car jumped the curb nearly hitting me. Thank God, I jumped out of the way fast enough. My heart's never beat so fast."

My Cage

"Roseanne" really down after about the fourth season. The last season, despite the explanation in the series finale, is just unwatchable.

Marvin

Touche, Marvin. Touche.

Olive Oil In a Spray Can

Adam@Home

You would think Adam would a slightly redder color than he is. It's so interesting that getting a colorist who pays attention to what's being said in the strip relating to color is just the luck of the draw.

Crankshaft

I feel this is some commentary on various stick-up-the-butt cities that do enforce the "no-lemonade-stands" ordinance that they inexplicably passed but it falls flat with the image of the two girls being frisked against the police car.

B.C.

For those of you waiting for long-running legacy comic strip "B.C." to form an opinion on the Bill Cosby accusations can now breathe a sigh of relief.

Sarah's Scribbles

Same.

Guard Your Ears...with Gorman's

I, for one, am ready for the FCC to start demanding that commercials cannot be louder than the TV show. Does anyone like it when the TV show is at a decent volume that you and anyone else listening can hear it BUT THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE COMMERCIAL TALKING TO YOU ABOUT YOUR DIABETES TEST STRIPS COMES BLARING ON!!!! However I can see TV stations making both the show and commercials louder just to make up for their commercials not being loud anymore.

Ah, the roofie Veeblefester slipped into Brutus' coffee is working perfectly. What Veeblefester plans to do with an unconscious Brutus I am just going to leave to your own imagination.

Sundays at the DCR

There's no post over at The DCR this week. There may not be a post over at the DCR for quite some time. In case you haven't read, Jim Davis (or Paws, Inc.) ordered Photobucket to remove a few Garfield strips. I am assuming the Paws, Inc. Image Robot noticed those strips, sent a message to Photobucket who then saw all of the other comic strips on there and just decided to cancel the account. Even if Photobucket were to reinstate the account, all the comics posted from the last four years are gone. We're currently working on a solution and hopefully will be able to come back and be better than before. But, as promised, here is one last comics review.

The Knight Life

Amen. I get so tired of people complaining about the post office and the high price of stamps. What else can you buy for $0.44?

B.C.

Much like Jesus, Johnny Hart has risen from the dead to do an Easter strip of his popular comic strip.

Girls & Sports

Hmm. So how come he can't just answer the phone or take it out and look at how's calling and press ignore? Because he's an idiot in a strip created by idiots? Oh, okay.

Maybe Daddy's Home will ease the suffering...

Sweet Holy Hell! There...is...no...God...

The Born Loser

Hah! Gladys is fat and fat people can't control their eating. It's funny because it's a stereotype.

Have a great Sunday everybody. Hopefully the DCR will be back soon and we can get back to making fun of bad comics and bringing attention to good comics.