How Am I Supposed To Read With All That Blah-Blah-Blah Happening?

When I first got a computer, one of the earliest games I played was Hugo's House of Horrors. It was a fun and quirky game created in 1990 by David Gray. It's reminescent of Maniac Mansion but Gray has said he had never heard of or played Maniac Mansion.

The object of the game is to rescue your girlfriend, Penelope, from a haunted house that she was last at babysitting. Players use the arrow keys to move Hugo and use text commands to make Hugo find, pick up, and use items that you find around the house. The game uses some light humor ("Care for a chop, sir?" and if you're wearing a mask, you get a pork chop that you can use. If you're not wearing the mask, the butler chops off your head) and uses a couple decent silly moments to add to the fun. If you know where to go, or use a walkthrough, you can get done with the game in about 15 minutes.

We open outside the haunted house. Hugo finds a key and is able to enter the house. Once inside, you see someone go into a room upstairs. There is a candle on the table, two rooms on the side, a room under the stairs, and three rooms upstairs. Heading upstairs, the first room has a mask in the wardrobe, the next room--the bathroom--has "333" scrawled on the mirror, and the next room has a laboratory with a mad scientist and his assistant Igor.

The scientist forces you into a contraption and tells Igor to press the blue button. Igor, who is colorblind, presses a different button which shrinks Hugo. The scientist, frustrated by Igor's incompetence, decides to take a nap. You are now small and trapped in that lab but it's cool because you need to be small to get behind something. You then tell Igor to bring the right button and after three tries, you are back to normal. Slipping on the mask you picked up in the first room, head downstairs for a little dinner party.

While crashing the dinner party, the butler asks if you would a chop. Since you are wearing a mask, he gives you a pork chop that you will need later. If you weren't wearing the mask, he chops your head off. It's funny. Heading into the kitchen, take a step and to the shed in the backyard then when you come back in, go into a weird room with a man-eating dog in it.

This dog is the bane of my existence. I don't think I've ever made it past him. As soon as you walk into the room, he comes up and eats you and it's game over. I tried everything to get past this dog and nothing works. Until I learned, just recently, that you are supposed to take that pork chop you got earlier and throw it into the room. You can't throw it in before you go in, you have to throw it as soon as you get into the room. So you have to type the command, enter the room, and press Enter. The dog has his pork chop and you are free to go into the room, go down the trapdoor under the rug, and continue on with the game.

Heading downstairs into the basement/dungeon, there is a locked metal door and someone sobbing. (Penelope?!). Moving behind the rocks, you have to blow a whistle to confuse bats that will also kill you. It's the same scenario as the dog as you have to type the command before you go behind the rocks. After distracting the bats, you enter a cave where a mummy attacks you. It took forever for me to get past the mummy, too.

Using a boat to cross a small cave stream, Hugo encounters a strange man fishing. The man asks you many questions in order to let you pass and go into the tunnel. In the tunnel, Hugo finds a giant man--who looks like Igor only orange, not green--guarding a hole in the wall. Apparently, Penelope is in the cell behind the giant guard. Then who is sobbing in the cell in the basement? You give the guard some gold from the treasure you found and he lets you pass. In the next room, you find Penelope. Well, at least Penelope's silhouette. The tunnel loops around so the cell at the bottom of the basement so that answers that question. You rescue Penelope, head back upstairs and out of the house.

Hugo and Penelope lived happily ever after. At least until the next game, Hugo II: Whodunit? in which Penelope has to rescue Hugo and solve Uncle Harold's murder. I don't think I ever completed that game either. I do think I finished Hugo III: Jungle of Doom. Maybe I'll post about those someday.

Is...Is Penelope wearing her wedding dress while held captive?
That means she wore it to her babysitting gig.

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Mary Worth

It has been at least a week since Wilbur fell overboard, probably longer, the loved ones in your life have been thinking you're dead for at least 7 days. You're lucky Mary, Estelle, and Dawn don't throw you back into the ocean.

Crankshaft

I see so many "get your vaccine" commercials that it makes me want to take the vaccine out of my body. Luckily, there are plenty of YouTube videos telling people exactly how to do that.

Tom Batiuk must signed a deal with the CDC to help convince an underserved community to get the vaccine and/or booster. I didn't look at the comments on Crankshaft webpage but I don't think this is going to convince them.

The Family Circus

Have a husband who snores loudly and keeps you awake at night? It could be worse. They could be dead.

The Born Loser

If she's talking on her cell phone then that means the Thornapples have finally entered the 2010s and ditched their landline. Their landline which, I believe, hasn't been seen since 2020. It's good to see the Thornapples take a step out of the past. The future is now!

If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

That Candle Is Awful Close To That Wreath

Small Wonder debuted in syndication on September 7, 1985. It was a reasonably popular series running for four seasons and 96 episodes. Its popularity was probably due to it being very kid-friendly for those coming home after school. Despite this, Small Wonder is considered one of the worst sitcoms ever by just about everyone. The premise is simple but stupid. Engineer Ted Lawson (Dick Christie) invents a robot that looks exactly like a young girl in order to help disabled children. He takes it home for some reason and hijinks ensue every week. The robot's name is Vicki (a variation of the robot's description Voice Input Child Indenticant, or V.I.C.I.) and it speaks in a monotone voice, has no emotions, but is able to do a multitude of different things, some lasting only for one episode.

Small Wonder was created by Howard Leeds and starred Dick Christie, Marla Pennington, Jeremy Supiran, Emily Schulman, and Tiffany Bissette. Let's go over the pilot episode. Some commentary here also appeared in an issue of Gyrbynerjk. You can watch the pilot for yourself here.

This is quite possibly the worst theme song I've ever heard. It's a syrup concoction of insipid words that attempts to explain the premise of the show but fails miserably because the premise of the show is utterly stupid.

Why is he eating outside? Do they not allow food in the building?

Now wait a minute. Jamie just gave a soliloquy about how he wishes he had someone to play with--a brother or sister--and someone actually comes over to play and he slams the door in her face.

"Harriet deserves it. She's a pill and she's nosy. What a waste of womanhood." I guess we can check off those boxes on the male child character personality checklist. He hates school. He talks about sex. He complains about women. He's whiny about everything.

He at least eats his vegetables.

So Ted, the guy that can't eat at work, comes home and is upset that his boss didn't want to talk about his weird child-like robotic sex helper doll. Ted believes this could be a world-changing invention. I mean, I get it but I find realistic robots disturbing and even more so when they are girl-child slave robots.

I'm sure Tiffany Bisette loved being able to be mocked by someone just holding up a CPR dummy.

Ted is given permission to work on his robot at home so we fade back in this guy has a little girl laying down on a chest in the bedroom and he's telling her to blink her eyes and wiggle her nose. Anyway, the newly-coined Vicki is now ready to be foisted upon an unsuspecting family. Being TV characters, I feel they take this better than they would in real life.

Joan: "You're putting us on. That's a real kid, right?" Ted: "No, no. It's a robot." So it's not technically illegal, says some pervert in the YouTube comments.

The next day, Jaime (Jamie?) wakes up and lets Vicki out of some weird toy chest/closet. "We've got work to do," he exclaims to Vicki before telling her to pick up his dirty clothes before saying he'll show her how to make his bed. The laugh track finds this hilarious because "Why can't he pick up his own crap? Ha ha!" but this is exactly how Vicki is supposed to work. It is supposed to be a robotic housekeeper. Everything Ted said about Vicki helping disabled kids or teaching is a pipe dream. We all know what something like Vicki will be used for.

Despite not mentioning it at any point before now, it's Ted and Joan's anniversary so Jamie and Vicki go downstairs to make them some breakfast in bed. Harriet comes over and wants to know who the new, weird girl is. Vicki is Jamie's cousin but it takes a few minutes to actually get to that because Jamie has to offer that Vicki is his sister first. What? Why?

I do like Harriet's hair.

Anyway, Jamie slams the door in Harriet's face again and it's time to go serve Ted and Joan their breakfast--which consists of bowls of cereal and grapefruit. There were going to be eggs but Vicki crushed the eggs and ruined them. I don't know why Jamie has to explain where their bedroom is to Vicki. She was created there so should know where it is.

Let's see how Ted and Joan are celebrating this anniversary on this beautiful morning.

Ted's reading an instruction manual. I don't know how Joan's panties haven't flown off yet. After complaining about 11 years of inconvenience, Ted does roll on top of Joan but are then interrupted by Vicki who wishes them a happy anniversary from her and Jamie and then throws the tray of food at them.

This is definitely the funniest part of the episode. Jamie, and Vicki, are sent to his room as punishment. I don't know why. It's not Jamie's fault Vicki misunderstood the command. I feel that's on Ted.

Jamie believes that if he gets his parents an anniversary present then he won't be in trouble anymore. "Dad sleeps late on Saturday so I'll be back before they wake up." What? They were just awake. Vicki threw breakfast at them.

Jamie puts Vicki in the closet and goes to a store and buys some sort of glass dish. Vicki, for some reason, arrives at the store, is believed to be a store display, and placed in a closet. Oh, no! How will Jamie and Vicki get out of this predicament?

Vicki tears the door off the hinges and they run home to find Ted and Joan waiting for them. "Why did you take Vicki out of the house?" Ted asks. "I didn't. I put her in my closet. I don't know why she followed me," is what Jamie should've said but doesn't. Jamie gives his parents his gift and he and Vicki are once again banished to Jamie's bedroom.

Upset at Vicki, Jamie banishes her to the closet but then feels bad. I don't know why. Jamie is one of the few 80s sitcom kids that's innocent. Vicki's the bad one. Anyway, Jamie apologizes, Vicki rips the door off the closet. "I can see I'm going to have nothing but trouble with you," Jamie says, rolling his eyes.

"Trouble," Vicki monotones and smiles.

So Vicki is going to kill us all. And this is the last thing we'll see before we die.

She's a small wonder, lovely and bright with soft curls. She's a small wonder, a child unlike other girls. She's a miracle, and I grant you, she'll enchant you at first sight...

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Sherman's Lagoon

There are an awful lot of Boxing Day themed comics today. I'm not sure why other than it's December 26 and a Sunday so there's more room to talk about it. None of the comics get Boxing Day correct though.

B.C.

There are also a decent-sized number of comics making jokes about supply chain issues and riling up the people in the comments. I don't know why you would want to take an issue as politically volatile and complex as supply chain issues and condense it into a eight-panel comic strip but you do you, I guess.

I don't why Peter had to read B.C.'s note either but, again, you do you.

Dark Side of the Horse

O...kay...Is there a reason the characters are drawn in Don Martin's style? It's great that you're a fan, Kerplotznik, but this was jarring.

Crock

Nothing like giving your mother the gift of pornography to warm the cockles of your heart.

The Family Circus

Why are all these stuffed animals so nightmare-ish? I'd stick with the older stuffed animal, you know, the one I've already conquered, too.

Gasoline Alley

Oh, no you don't. I rang in a new year back in 2021 and 2020 and both years turned out to be crap. No more new years. We should've stopped counting back in 2020. It should technically be March 666, 2020.

The Born Loser

I am happy to report that the three Matt Damon/Jason Bourne movies (Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum) are all available to stream this year, unlike back in 2019. The first two are on HBO Max and the third is on Peacock.

If these two streaming services owned by massive global conglomerates would like to give me a few bucks for maybe throwing some viewers their way, they or even you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Journey Into Fear was Canada's first horror-themed comic book. Published by Superior Publishers, Journey Into Fear last only 21 issues between 1951 and 1954. One of the issues was cited by Frederick Wertham in his "Seduction of the Innocent" and the series was probably discontinued due to the implementation of the Comics Code Authority in late 1954.

"Ghost Bride" was the first comic in Journey Into Fear #4 (Nov. 1951) and it's not very fear-inducing. It's about a woman who has a very specific medical condition and her husband who showers her with jewelry so she doesn't die. H a p p y   H a l l o w e e n !

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Mary Worth

Libby and Pierre seem to be getting along. I can't wait for Libby to teach Pierre a thing or two and turn Wilbur's own dog against him when he and Estelle inevitably get back together.

Baby Blues

I'm wondering where Wren is? Is she in the pumpkin that Ham has stabbed all the carving tools through?

The Family Circus

"Can't a guy take a leak behind a tree without his children whining?"

The Born Loser

Oh, Wilberforce, most of the scariest things on this planet hide right in plain sight in broad daylight. Good night.

Sunday Comics #2

I'm not a fan of stupid drivers. It's one thing to just make small mistakes that are inconsequential but blatantly obvious bad and/or stupid driving is just unacceptable. We have an intersection where I live that has restricted left turns from 3 PM to 6 PM Monday through Friday and I see numerous people hold up traffic in order to make a left turn there. And they could just go up 1/4 of a block and make their left turn there. It creates the same issue of backed up traffic but at least there's not four signs telling people not to make a left turn. And I don't even understand what Mallard Fillmore is getting at in today's strip.

Okay. So Chantel is making a left turn against four lanes of traffic and holding up traffic behind her as a result. Mallard hypothesizes that if Chantel turns right and then makes two lefts, she will end up where she needs to be. I drew up a sketch of how that would look.

If Chantel turns right then makes two lefts, indicated by the dotted arrows, she still has to cross eight lanes of traffic. Sure, it would be easier if there's a stoplight at that intersection. If there is a stoplight then she will be able to turn left sooner or later anyway or just go the next intersection and turn left with the light.

I'd like to say this is some sort of clever strip using driving as some kind of analogy for politics ("You went left and it didn't work out, why don't you try going right?") but we all know Bruce just got behind someone doing exactly this and he spent the three minutes he was stuck in traffic screaming out his window: "Just turn right and go around you moron! Just go right!!"

Curtis

I'm not disputing that this is a good prank, I'm just wondering where Curtis or whoever actually brought in that cow, got it. Last I knew, there were very few cows in the middle of urban centers.

Family Circus

Family Circus: Origins. We finally learn why the Keanes began holding their own worship at their house, not because the sermons began getting too "liberal" but because they wanted to indoctrinate their kids without disturbing the other followers.

Luckily It Was the Chicken's Blood, Sweat, and Tears

Beetle Bailey

The way this country treats our military sometimes is just blasphemous.

Family Circus

If you want to inject Jeffy with a lethal dose of potassium chloride and say it's a flu shot or something, no one would rat you out.

Crankshaft

You ungrateful son of a... You and the teacher make a mistake causing yourselves to have to be marooned at the theater and you crap all over it. It's a wonder no one has killed you.

panel from Funky Winkerbean

Speaking of wondering why somehow hasn't killed someone yet, here's Funky and his wife. She's not going to kill him because of the bad joke or the insult to her but because she's not seeking heat so the joke/insult doesn't work.

Hi and Lois, January 29-30, February 2-3

It's clear that the five random people who create Hi and Lois don't talk to each other or even half-assedly concern themselves with even the most basic continuity, right?

Popeye

Wait. Does everybody think this gorilla in a suit is a human being? It's like that episode of The Flintstones where everybody thinks a gorilla is Fred just because the gorilla is wearing the same shirt.