Get the Heart Pumping

February 28, 1966

I'm all for painting NO on the wall, but on your wife? Brutus deserves whatever happens that gives him his headache.

Why is it such a big deal to go to this PTA meeting? Do both parents need to go? If she doesn't want to go without her husband, then maybe she just needs to quit.

I have never seen Brutus at the gym. Does Brutus think the diner he always goes to is a gym? He should go to the doctor and make sure his brain is okay.

And why is he covered in snow?!

The 'Too' Seems Superfluous

March 12, 1965

I wonder how common knowing about the story about the Dutch Boy who saves his village by shoving his finger into a hole in the dike is these days. How common was it back in 1965? And the idea is used several other times during Art's run. Must have been a favorite story of his.

It does look like Hans is writing something in the first panel.

I rarely see dogs in real life not enjoy going outside. I'm sure there are dogs who don't really like going outside but the few I'm around love being outside. They hop around like idiots at the chance to go outside. Kewpie's just built differently, I guess.

Brutus Doing Yoga Will Last Two Days

I agree: To what end?

Every time I watch people do yoga, I'm just like "that looks stupid and would annoy me" which is mainly why I don't want to do yoga. If you like it, whatever. Enjoy it. I'm not you.

I'm not upset at the lack of watercooler in today's strip because I imagine that it is early in the morning and Brutus is talking to Veeblefester, not Arnie or that jerky-looking blond guy.

He Hasn't Been Eating Apples Either

Well, Brutus isn't going to see any results. He should've started those exercises a week ago.

I've been walking more and my doctor was very impressed with my results. Being healthier doesn't have to be torture. Or, do what you want. No one is the boss of you.

To Be Fair, Brutus Did Break a Sweat Lifting His Legs Onto the Ottoman

October 6, 1973

Why is Brutus being so mean to Wilberforce? "That was a stupid bet, you dumb sonuvabitch! This is why you're still a kid--because you're stupid! Now gimme that lovely, shiny dime!"

Gladys is very unimpressed with those ankle weights. And Brutus looks very disappointed that they don't work unless he is moving. Let's be honest, Brutus is never going to get into shape and the sooner he (and everyone else) realizes it, the better off we'll all be.

I feel this is a conversation Chip actually had with his wife.

Are Quiet Hospital Zones Still a Thing?

January 14, 1975

I honestly believe this strip would be funnier just about any song besides a damn university fight song. Is it a rights thing? Wouldn't it be funnier if Hattie was screaming "In a gadda da vida, honey! Don't you know that I'm lovin' you..." or the current Billboard hit around the time this comic was probably drawn, "Everybody was kung-fu fighting! Your mind becomes fast as lightning..."

I like blueberry, too.

I can't imagine Hurricane Hattie liking yoga. I've seen people do yoga before and nothing about it screams "Hurricane Hattie should like this!"

By the way, this came in the mail today!

Hi Son

And...One...

Ugh. Uncle Ted, quit clenching your butt cheeks and doing Kegel exercises on my chair. My wife and son sit there.

He Just Goes to the End of the Driveway Anyway

I think it's perfectly fine that couples don't do everything together. Both Brutus and Gladys don't need to go for a walk together, they can do that separately and it gives the other a chance for some personal time. What is not fine is how thrilled Gladys is that her husband start out like an Unsolved Mysteries story.

A Second Turkey?

It's pretty impressive that they all just ate an enormous amount of food and they left behind no evidence. I know that the concern is coming from a good place but Gladys could also benefit from some type of light activity to burn off some calories.

That's All I Got

Jogging? Five miles? That sounds terrible.

Slightly Political

Mother Gargle is right to mock because she is the pinnacle of physical beauty. That nest of gray hair, hook nose, the lines under her eyes, the way her breasts apparently reach all the way down to her hips. Beautiful.

The thing is, Brutus does get fairly regular exercise. The same kind of exercise that our treasonous president gets.

And we all know that Benedict Trump is the pinnacle of health.

Running Man

Heathcliff

Heathcliff likes to inflict psychological torture on his victims before he eats them. "Yes, I will eat you. The bib says so. But you won't know where and you won't know when."

Crock

Speaking of psychological torture, Crock here is writing a letter to his beloved mother who is apparently imprisoned in a nursing home and is practically daring her to try to escape her prison.

I wonder how many kids saw today's Crock and couldn't read it because it's in cursive. Who am I kidding? Kids don't read Crock. Only middle-aged Internet writers do.

Arlo and Janis

Is this a poop joke? Yeah, it's a poop joke. Hey, Arlo and Janis, leave the poop jokes to Marvin.

Seriously? Over 25 years?

Hagar the Horrible

Why is Lucky Eddie carrying the dog?

Six Chix

Hmm. She came to life. Good for her.

It appears that the artwork is coming alive. This happens from time to time. I, for one, welcome our classical masterpiece overlords.

Ripley's Believe It Or Not

WHY WOULD ANYBODY WANT TO TRAIN A SPIDER TO JUMP??!!

The Born Loser

"Actually, it's taken me years. Oop! That reminds me, I have to do the next lap today."

If you would like to support my writing and research, you can buy me a cup of coffee on Ko-Fi.

Exer-lator

It seems Brutus did get out, go to the mall, and walk around. That's some form of exercise. I feel just walking for 30 minutes is better exercise than just sitting there uncomfortably in your green chair. You should really get an ottoman, Brutus, because my hip is hurting just looking at you sitting like that.

Brutus' Gut Does Look Bigger Today

Just change the way you eat. Go outside and walk around the block. You have a dog--take Kewpie out for walks. Standing around the watercooler at work isn't helping anything either--but at least you are on your feet. Go walk around the building or the parking lot. Don't just wallow about it.

Health Unconscious

Just walk.

That's what I tell everyone who mentions they want to get at least a little exercise. Smart small--paved trails, river levees, around your neighborhood--and then work your way onto unpaved, hilly or rocky trails. You may not actually lose any weight or get into shape but at least you are getting your heart and body working.

Tauy Creek Digest #3: Back From the Dead

It took a couple weeks but I finally found a route that I liked to run. North along Garfield to 15th, west to Collins Trail and then follow that until reaching 19th Street and then back home. It was a good route with an equal amount of everything a runner should encounter. It also went through some decent neighborhoods with houses I liked to look at. Over the next couple of weeks I became very familiar with my route and what I saw when out on my runs.

After a couple weeks, I began noticing someone looking out of the window of one of the houses I pass by. It happened everyday for a week and it was like they were purposefully waiting and watching for me. As I would look when running by, the figure started looking familiar to me. Finally, I stopped at the house and went up to the door. I knocked and waited for an answer. Shockingly, the door opened and I was amazed at who I saw standing before me.

"John?" I questioned.

"Hey, Ben. Long time, no see," John welcomed and shook my hand. "I've been seeing you running. Kept thinking I'd go out and meet you or you'd come up here. I'm glad you finally did."

"It's great to see you, man. I went into the house and John closed the door. "It's been a long time. We've all really missed you. You know, since you're supposed to be dead."

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that," he gritted his teeth in a cheesy smile. "I had to. My life had just gotten so complicated that I needed a clean slate."

"A clean slate? Your friends, your sister, all mourned you. How did you even get away with it?"

"Jenna works for a mortuary. She helped make sure no one knew I didn't die."

"We had a service for you," I said.

"And I really do appreciate that. Jenna told me about it. Said everyone was very sad. I wish I could've been there."

"You were supposed to be!"

"I said I was sorry. I had to start fresh. My exes were all up in my ass, I had been taking more and more drugs, and drinking way too much way too often. Let's not forget my chronic unemployment."

"And killing yourself off had made all that better?"

"Yeah. I haven't heard thing one from my exes, my drug use is minimal and I haven't had a drink since my death," John happily said.

"What were your exes upset about?" I asked him. We sat down on the couch, on opposite ends, which started making this all seem normal.

"They just wouldn't leave me alone. Always arguing with me, coming to me when the guy they were seeing hurt them in some way. I swear to God that I had sex with them more often while we were broken up than when we were dating."

"Yeah, that sounds terrible," I sarcastically moaned.

"But like I said, I needed a clean slate."

We continued talking for several hours until we had finished catching up. As I left, John made me promise not to tell anybody. I reluctantly made the promise, unsure if I was going to keep it but who would believe if I did tell them. We shook hands again and I waved good-bye as I ran back home.

+*~*+

The next day, I drove to John's house to see him. I walked up to the door and knocked. It took longer for the door to open but, then again, he wasn't expecting me. Instead of John, there was another man. "Yes?" he answered.

"Um, I was here yesterday and there was a man here. His name is John," I said.

"Oh. John called me last night. He said that he had to leave right away. He told me to keep the rent for the month so I didn't question it. Cleaned the place up good, too," the man opened the door for me to show me a completely empty house instead of the well-furnished one I saw yesterday. "He'd been here only a couple of months. He was probably my best tenant. Oh, well."

"And he didn't leave you any forwarding information?" I asked.

"Nope, and the only phone number he gave me was a landline."

"And that didn't seem strange?" I questioned.

"As long as they don't do significant damage to my property and pay the rent, I don't care what my tenants do."

I sighed frustratedly. "Thank you. Sorry to bother you." I walked away, the landlord closing the door behind me. I got back in my car and drove away, thinking about my now twice-dead friend.

1200: Riley & Tyler: August

August

“He didn’t keep a clean house,” Jean muttered as she, Linda and Tyler went into the townhouse once occupied by Jean’s son, Codie. Movie and superhero posters adorned the walls, a massive video game setup dominated one of the walls of the front room. The kitchen was nearly bare and the bedroom had an entertainment center set up with a massive TV, several DVD players, stereo and speakers along with a bed and couch. “What are we supposed to do with all of this garbage?” Jean asked.

“We sell it, Mom,” Linda said.

Tyler opened the door to the other bedroom to reveal more than three dozen comic book longboxes and bookshelves full of graphic novels, trade paperbacks and statues. “Holy crap,” Tyler exclaimed.

Jean and Linda followed him into the room. “Oh, Goddamn it,” Jean said. “How do we sell these?”

“I’ll take them,” Tyler said.

“We don’t have room for them, Tyler,” Linda replied. “Look at all of this. There must be 40 or so boxes and four bookcases.”

“I’m just going to call that comic book store downtown and see if they will give me a thousand dollars for the boxes,” Jean said.

“Grandma, there is no way that all of these comics are just worth a thousand dollars,” he pulled a lid off a box and grabbed a random comic. “This is Fantastic Four number 45. It’s got to be worth about a hundred bucks.” He showed the comic to his mom and grandma. The Fantastic Four were prominently on the cover with four other costumed people sneaking up behind them, the caption ‘Among us hide…the Inhumans’ ominously hovered between the two groups of superpowered beings.

“These comics are why Codie killed himself. He spent more time with them than with people,” Jean said.

Tyler sighed with an annoyed tone. “Mom, please?”

“If it’s okay with your grandma then it’s fine with me,” Linda gave in.

“Fine. Take them,” Jean waved her hand. “We’ll hold a garage sale for all this other crap.”




Tyler moved the boxes of comics and shelves of graphic novels into his bedroom, which displaced much of his room. He spent the next two weeks before school started reading his new comic collection by just pulling a comic out at random.

When school started, he decided to take graphic novels or trade paperbacks to read during downtime. The first one he took was Batman: The Killing Joke. When he arrived in his Earth Space Science class for third hour, he sat down at one of the lab tables and pulled it out and started reading.

Riley Saxberg came into the room, walking past Tyler and sitting down one row behind and one row over from him. Riley stood up and glanced at the graphic novel. “The Killing Joke?”

Tyler turned to look at Riley, her short, brown, curly hair with a white, lace bow in her hair. Riley had a round boyish face but feminine features in the lips and eyes. Riley’s hair was short, only down to the start of her neck. Tyler could see the small lumps of her breasts and the round stomach like a young boy who hadn’t lost his baby fat. Riley was wearing a black shirt with some band Tyler had never heard of—Thousand Foot Krutch.

“Yeah,” Tyler nodded.

“I own that one. Have you read Arkham Asylum?” Riley asked.

“Not yet. I just got a bunch of books from my uncle so I am slowly getting through them,” Tyler said.

“Cool,” Riley sat back down.

The classroom had filled up and one seat was left behind Tyler and to the left of Riley. Jarret came in and groaned. “I got to sit next to the shemale?”

“Shut up,” Riley rolled her eyes.

Jarret sat down. “I don’t know why someone would want to quit being a man. I mean, we’re awesome!” Jarret exclaimed and a couple of male students agreed loudly.

“You’re really proving how awesome you are right now,” Riley turned to Jarret.

“Whatever,” Jarret shrugged and laughed with the other guys while pointing at Riley.

The school bell rang indicating the end of passing period. The teacher stood up from his desk, walked over to the door and closed it. “Welcome back. I hope you all had a good summer. This is third hour Earth Space Science just to confirm that you are in the right class.”

Tyler closed his book and slipped it into his notebook. He looked back at Riley who was sitting with his head on his hand and doodling in a notebook. Tyler then turned back to the teacher.




Riley Saxberg and her family moved here last spring but Riley and her sister Hannah finished out the school year at their old schools. Riley had wandered around town for most of the summer where she met Sydney who would end up becoming her best friend.

“If Jarret called you a shemale then you need to tell someone,” Sydney said as they went through the lunch line.

“Mr. Hartman was right there and didn’t seem to care. Besides, this school won’t even let me use the girls restroom so all Jarret would get is probably a good talking to. Give it a month or so and I’ll stop being an oddity,” Riley said.

Riley and Sydney walked by the table Tyler and his friend Jackson were at. Tyler looked up at Riley and watched her walk by. “Do you know anything about that new girl Riley?” Tyler asked.

“She’s in three of my classes but I don’t know anything about her. Rumor has it that she’s really a he,” Jackson said.

“Yeah,” Tyler sighed. “Jarret called her a shemale in Earth Space Science and she basically admitted it. I don’t know. She tried to talk to me about the comic I was reading and I was kind of snapped at her.”

“People are probably mean to her all the time. She’s probably used to it,” Jackson shoved a giant spoonful of mashed potatoes into his mouth. “They need to give us more food for lunch,” he complained.

Over at the table where Riley and Sydney sat, Riley had just finished the breaded chicken sandwich. “Do you know Tyler Bray?”

“Pretty well. We’re not friends or anything but we’ve grown up together. He’s nice. Kind of quiet and can be weird sometimes. He used to try too hard to get people to like him and laugh. I don’t really see that anymore,” Sydney explained. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” Riley shrugged. Riley looked around the lunchroom and into the commons area. “I thought Hannah had second lunch as well. I wonder where she is.”




In one of the restroom stalls in the girl’s locker room in the basement of the school, Hannah had her arms resting on his shoulders as she sat on his lap and had sex. When they were finished, they readjusted their clothes, flushed the condom down the toilet and started making out. “I told you that no one would come down here,” Hannah smiled deviously.

“It was a good idea,” Matt said and they kissed again.

“I noticed during freshman gym that when everyone is at gym, no one comes down so we’d have the place all to ourselves.”

Hannah had the same hair as Riley only hers went down past her shoulders and was in a ponytail. Hannah also had her dad’s features of wide eyes, small mouth and sturdy chin. She was also a couple inches shorter and her breasts a little bigger. Matt had floppy dark hair that covered his ears and forehead. He was tall and lanky with short, curly hairs above his lip and poking out from his chin. Matt looked at his watch. “We should head upstairs and eat some lunch. We have ten minutes left.” They walked through the locker room and went back upstairs holding hands. “Is it true that your sister used to be a guy?” Matt asked as they walked into the cafeteria and going to get their trays.

“My brother is a guy who thinks he’s a girl. No amount of drugs or surgery is going to change that,” Hannah said angrily as they went through the lunch line.




The next day, Riley was already in Earth Space Science when Tyler came in. “Hey, Riley,” Tyler approached her. “I thought you might like to read these,” he handed her three graphic novels, all very similar in style and artwork. They were titled Superman’s Metropolis, Batman: Nosferatu and Wonder Woman: The Blue Amazon. “The Superman one is first. It’s based on German Expressionist films of the 1920s. The story and art are both amazing.”

“Thanks,” Riley smiled at him as she took the books.

He smiled back.

Want to read more? Contact me to become a beta-reader and help me edit this story and come up with a title!

I get the feeling that Chip is a huge fan of daytime television. And I don't mean just a casual fan. I get the feeling that Chip knows the favorite foods of all the women on The View and The Talk.

1138: It's Clear George Is Having an Affair, Right?

I love that Chip's middle-age woman winter wear is inspired by what they wear in Soviet Russia. It makes it seem like this comic strip takes place in a foreign country and not Cleveland, Ohio.

991: Isn't There a Football Game On or Something?

Who the hell watches workout show on TV if you aren't going to workout? That just sounds like the worst thing ever.

Why Is Gladys Just Standing Around?

I've had a lot of dreams, goals and ambitions. One that I've never really told anyone was that I wanted to be a disc jockey for a radio station. I had it all planned out, I was going to have an overnight show--The Graveyard Shift--with my best friend and we were going to play what we wanted no matter what the station format (but to be honest it would lean alternative/rock). We'd have the midnight to 6 A.M. timeslot but the longer I let that dream languish on the vine, the more things changed. Radio stations rarely have original programming during the overnight hours anymore and if they do it's either pre-programmed stuff with no jockeys or syndicated stuff that come cheap because no one is listening at three in the morning for some reason.

I've often thought of creating a podcast but I don't know what I would talk about and I would like to do it with someone just so it's not me just rambling on and boring people with my own thoughts, ideas and opinions. I always think that's kind of sad and/or egotistical *cough*Rush Limbaugh*cough*. The other problem is that I don't really know how to do a podcast so someone would need to show me. I refuse to do a webcam show for...reasons...

It took me a moment to figure out the "joke" in today's strip. Brutus wants to get some exercise but is too lazy to walk up the stairs to get his shoes. Classic. I remember when Bringing Up Father did the exact same thing back in 1922.