Eat Farts, Gladys

October 4, 1966

What are some things we were shown in movies and TV shows that we all thought would be more common than they turned out to be? Quicksand, piranhas. I would also argue being cooked alive by hostile uncontacted tribes. I was led to believe I'd be walking through the woods and coming upon more savage indigenous peoples than I've actually run into (zero).

Wait. Kids are supposed to accomplish something when off from school over the summer? I thought they were just supposed to have fun and be kids. This is your reminder for next summer, kids. Make a plan to accomplish something. Maybe start a garden or rebuild a classic car. The world could use more sonatas or maybe great novels, TV shows, or movies. It's not life unless you're working 24/7/365.

Kids These Days

November 13, 1965

Her head went through the steering wheel. I guess she's fine. I'm assuming the wreck happened right outside and involves a neighbor, which won't make going outside and doing yard work awkward at all.

Make it not 98 degrees by noon? That'd be the first thing I try.

Every summer I see people complaining about kids not playing outside. Kids play outside where I am. There's a group of kids playing outside as I'm writing this. I don't know what's wrong with your neighborhood where kids don't want to play. Those of you complaining about kids not playing outside, do you oppose every new park initiative and want everything kids could do to make money for the city? Do you call the police whenever you see more than three kids in a park? Maybe that's the problem.

Time for Some Creative Writing

May 1, 1976

Wait a minute...

I wonder how many rehashes of 35 year old comics I've missed? At least it's not a word-for-word repeat.

I would just fake it. Say you, your parents, and a friend all drove to a amusement park. Along the way, you pick up an escaped convict you mistakenly think is a hitchhiker. When you finally get to the amusement park, you just tour the park in the monorail and then head back home. Sure, it's the Plucky Duck plot of Tiny Toons: How I Spent My Vacation but what are the chances the teacher knows that?

August 8th To Be Exact

November 21, 1975

"Why aren't you getting the fight?" Because I don't want to watch the fight and didn't know that you wanted to watch it. Now, shut up, I can't hear the champagne music.

So was the one fighter knocked out immediately, or did one of them really get hurt and had to postpone the fight?

When I saw that first panel, I thought Brutus was going to get all huffy about all the violence and sex that's on TV these days, but no, he's just going to comment on how much he hates children. Ha, ha! It's funny!

Summer Days

April 15, 1974

This is how my wife when I start in on role playing. "You're family does not approve of me..." "Are you okay, Brian? Is this a bit?"

Have you met Mother Gargle? She would definitely approve of a dashing millionaire playboy wooing her daughter over Brutus any day. "You're rich? Here's my daughter. Do whatever you want with her!"

You think vacations just grow on trees, kid?

"No-cation? Gee, Pop, can't we even go to a museum or the zoo or something?" "Of course not. Have you seen the economy?"

Pink and Doughy

December 23, 1984

"It was the saddest funeral I had ever attended." I wonder if this man was a child with Little Leroy or if Leroy died just a few years ago. I hope it's the former because that means this man has been carrying around the guilt of this sad story and of him surviving into adulthood for decades.

Hurricane Hattie is totally going to dig up Little Leroy Metternick's grave if he was buried with his new skates.

It's the middle of September. The time for sun tans is over.

Besides, I shall never forget Little Jeremiah Pumperoy trying to get a good suntan. He sat out too long and burned himself. He soon got skin cancer and within a week, Little Jeremiah was in Heaven.

If you would like to support my writing or this website, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

Trees = June

Yeah, Brutus, you big idiot. Just flip the calendar back to May and ignore any attempts at people correcting you and it can be May for as long as you want.

Be sure to check out our Facebook Page for pictures of our trip down to Bentonville, Arkansas. We took Missouri roads down and Kansas roads back up for a nice mix of scenery. If you would like to support more writing or research, which includes traveling, consider becoming a Patron or buy me a cup of coffee.

Classic Hattie

I set her up really good, Wilberforce thought as they walked. I don't know how she comes up with all these great one-liners but if she ever sets up a Patreon, I'll definitely give her some money.

Speaking of Patreon, you can support me and my writing on there for as little as $1 a month. Help me create more content!

1210: It's Good Advice, Sicky McGee

A Facebook friend got all upset at someone she ran into who couldn't believe that she had become a nurse. The someone's reasoning was that this friend was always a jokester and immature. A magician.

Okay, maybe not a magician.

Anyway, her rambling post almost became some kind of existential crisis as she began to believe that everyone she knew felt that she was some irresponsible, jokester idiot and then began wondering why people can't assume that because you are now in your 30s that you are not the same person you were in high school. I would assume that it's because except for the education you received and fairly respectable job, you are the same person in high school. You have the same friends, you're in a long-term but fairly non-committed relationship and you are just as comfortable going out to get drunk as you are staying home and watching TV. As far as I know, you even have the same likes and hobbies.

Van Wilder grew as a person more in 90 minutes than you have in
14 years.

Meanwhile, I can guarantee that she also assumes everyone she went to high school with has not grown at all. I do the same thing. We all do. Unless I remain in touch in someone, I assume everything I knew about them has remained the same unless I learn otherwise. The problem I had with her pity diatribe is that she equated "responibility" and "being adult" with "lame" and "boring" which is something she does. She makes fun of people who get married or have kids, she likes being untethered to things and people unless they are used to make her life look better. "Being adult" doesn't mean getting married, having kids, being lame or being boring. It's about contributing so society and doing more good than harm.

I think what that person was trying to say was that while, yes, in high school she was kind of immature, she was commenting on how adult she had become. "Back in high school, you were an immature little girl but now you are a nurse contributing something our world. Good for you." In other words, instead of getting offended and needing your Facebook friends to validate yourself, take it as a compliment that someone noticed, even backhandedly, that you have grown as a person. Or don't and be fine with knowing that you have grown and don't need validation from anyone to prove that.

Fight through it Wilberforce. Get out of that bed and go do something. Sometimes you just need to power through your illness. I give this advice to everyone--except cancer patients because they never seem to appreciate it.

No. 49: The Unauthorized Biography of Kyle Elliott

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Polka Dot Pool of Returnage

It's been awhile. My computer died while I was on vacation so I was unable to post. Then I couldn't get it fixed and then my new computer order was canceled then reordered for some reason. Anyway, I'm back now and I am really excited. I hope you are, too.

Mother Gargle doesn't seem to me to be a neat freak. Maybe she figures that since she is so hideous that at least the garbage cans should be neat and pretty.

I don't want to be the one to tell Wilberforce that his father has died of sunstroke, do you?

Purple Grillin' Hat

I've been saying for the last couple of summers that my wife and I need to buy barbecue grill. But we still haven't. And I know people who barbecue in the dead of winter so Brutus obviously isn't a true grill man if he actually waits until summer to fire up the barbecue.

Don't Forget--You're Here Forever

Why is she going to be tested?

Oh, that's right. Because Wilberforce and Hattie are perpetually stuck in third grade year after year. Never growing older, never moving on. But even comic strips where the characters age don't seem all that great. *cough*Funky Winkerbean*cough*

Their Lawn Looks Dead

Who cares if yesterday was the summer solstice? Especially since it's now after the fact. And what the hell is Gladys doing? I assume she's gardening but what is she holding in her right hand?

Is she going to use Wilberforce as fertilizer?