Decaf Riff-Raff 5: The Never-Ending Story

May 17, 1967

One of my favorite things when dating someone is seeing old pictures of them and seeing embarrassing pictures of them. I mean, we're going to be swapping fluids and being inside each other, I should be able to see candid photos of you in the bathroom and weird-ass photos holding onto a 2-liter of Pepsi for dear life.

Jesus Christ. We had a three-part decaf coffee storyline back in September and we don't need another one. This isn't even an original decaf coffee strip. Brutus talked about drinking an inordinate amount of coffee to make up for the lack of caffeine back in 2023.

Why Is Wilberforce's Foot So Big?

May 16, 1967

Okay, I get that Wilberforce tied Teeny's sheets(?) together, but why? I feel like if a shitty younger brother were to tie things together, they'd tie together dresses, underwear, and bras. Anyway, when Teeny catches Wilberforce, she should wrap those sheets around his neck and throw him out the window.

Forever glad I'm an only child.

Shouldn't that be something the teacher teaches you? I mean, any idiot can say "Class, for your homework tonight, learn about everything. My work here is done!" If my child came home from school with homework to "find out how many inches are in a foot" I'd be concerned. The homework, if there should be any at all, should be "how many inches are these common household things and convert that to feet".

11 Angry Men...& Brutus

President Trump's healthcare plan is to get rid of the Affordable Care Act--where subsidies are used to make health insurance cheaper--and replace it with giving those subsidies directly to the American people. Most estimates puts that at each American gets around $2000 a year. I don't know about you, but most health insurance costs at least $400 a month. I get insurance through my employer and I pay about $200 a month for it. My employer pays the rest at about $350-$400. That's about $500 a month using a conservative estimate for health insurance. Somehow I don't think that $2000 a year is going to cut it considering people are looking at $6000 a year for health insurance. Maybe getting government out of health insurance will lower the prices, but I'm not going to hold my breath. If I held my breath waiting for one of Trump's policies to actually do what we were told would happen, I would've died back in 2017.

May 15, 1967

It's just the front page. Nothing good is ever on the front page.

I'm assuming the sale is happening at Gimbel's

The court makes it easy to attend jury duty. I had to spend an entire day doing jury selection and they repeatedly said they will pay any parking fees you incur while serving. Brutus must've parked illegally, but even then I feel you could argue "I was doing jury duty" and get it forgiven.

"Why are you home from jury duty so early?" What's early from jury duty? Is Gladys up to something? Start going through the closets, Brutus. Is Arnie here?!

I Agree, You Should Gravely Injure Him

February 28, 1988

This is why no one goes to church anymore, Father. On the flip side, at the park I work at, we have an old church with a bell that visitors can actually ring. The way that their eyes light up and how it captures everyone's attention (one time, it even lured an elderly woman with a walker to want to see inside the church) makes me think that maybe we should go back to ringing large bells to signal the start of Sunday.

Is Wilberforce actually a decent pitcher, it's just the batters are usually better at hitting the ball? That completely upends how good I think Wilberforce is at sports.

And of course Masher McGee is good. His parents named him Masher. That's his name! If it were a nickname, it'd have quotes around it. He's a nine-year-old boy named Masher.

Cannibal Canine

May 13, 1967

I agree that a septic tank is not a good birthday present. You could've thrown something in with that. I don't know what Gladys wants but jewelry? Maybe a new fragrance?

Look! There are four people sitting at the table eating. You don't see that anymore. I don't know if it's because of the smaller space for comic strips, a kind of laziness from the cartoonist, or what, but this is what the Thornapples should look like. Wilberforce should get to eat!

The Thornapples having a teenage daughter actually makes sense when you think about it.

Most dogs eat their own poop or the poop of other dogs so I'm sure dogs would eat each other. Especially if processed into the canned or dry dog food sold in stores.

Mother Gargle Didn't Say That, It Was the Shirelles

May 12, 1967

What are we doing here? Is this man a doctor? An insurance agent? I guess a doctor can see if Brutus has a concussion or little holes in his head. Insurance agents seems less likely. The bird probably does not have insurance and Brutus' head isn't like Mary Hart's legs.

We're going to spend an entire week in a yellow void but on Friday, the last day, you change the void to a light blue!? "Oh, gosh!" the nameless United Features Syndicate colorist intern exclaims, "I have made the background of all of this week's strip yellow! I should choose a different color for this one. It just makes sense." Blue. I can't believe it. I just can't believe it...

The Thornapples All Live In a Yellow Submarine Apparently

May 11, 1967

Does only Wilberforce know the names of his friends? Harry, Leroy are actual names "Weakeyes" and "Noodle-Nose" aren't even nicknames, they're just insults.

And who is who?!

Does...Does Brutus really believe this about himself? Brutus would be the first to admit that he is none of these things. "I can talk bad about myself, but you can't! You don't have that right!!"

🍷

May 10, 1967

Brutus and Gladys have a teenage daughter in this strip. Her name's Teeny. Her date began gushing blood spontaneously from his nose and instead of being concerned, she's upset. Brutus and Gladys don't seem to care either. This guy could be dying!

That's not how it works at all. Look, you don't have to make up an excuse to drink. You're an adult. Just drink.

What's with the yellow backgrounds this week?

Diners to Dollars

May 4, 1967

You guys can't fight about this on the ground? I guess as long as they keep pedaling, they can argue all they want. How does the guy in the middle get on? Lay the bikes down, he climbs on and the other two help push him up?

It's weird seeing "Fifty-cent price increase" in this strip. These days the increase would be a dollar maybe more.

I'm always weary when the menu says "A little something extra". I don't care what it is, it doesn't sound good!

Manic Monday

May 3, 1967

It's the same lever you used to go forward. It's the 'R'. Just do what you did before but move the lever to 'R'. Let Brutus get out of the car first, just in case.

Today was a teacher planning day but I still had to go in for...reasons. I'd rather just not get paid then set up the cafeteria because that's not my job, but to each their own. I mean, we don't get paid for at least one day of each long break so why can't they just not pay us for this day?

What are we talking about? Oh, yes. I'm already done with the week, too, Brutus.

I Suggest a Wilberforce-Cation

February 21, 1988

Did Brutus want to stop at Pete's Good Eats? After seeing so many signs for it, I would completely understand wanting to stop and try it out.

One of my favorite television scenes is from I Love Lucy. The Ricardos and Mertzes are heading to California and are currently in Ohio where they keep passing signs for "Aunt Sally's Pecan Pralines". The signs are so prevalent they seem to pop up every ten miles or so. As they close in on her ("We need to stop and see Aunt Sally. I feel like she's an old friend!") they are getting excited for the pecans because they are getting hungry. They pass numerous signs: "100 yards", "50 yards", "Just around the bend" and finally "You have just passed Aunt Sally's"... Backing up, they see an old shack. Lucy gets out to read the sign on the door. "Out of business". As they drive away, Fred goes "I told you she was too busy making those signs!"

Wilberforce, we just explained what a 'sleepcation' was. Did you listen to anything that we said? Now we're gonna go with the sleepcation and you can just live with it.

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She Just Has to Sit There While It Happens

What? Ten months? Baseball has only been over since October (five months) and, obviously, last year's baseball season started one year ago (12 months). Where do we get ten months from?

I don't understand people who like baseball, especially people like Brutus. Baseball is exciting? Ok. Sure. And Brutus, you've been married to Gladys for *mumbles random number* years. Has she ever been excited for the opening of baseball season?

Amazon? Yes, ma'am-azon!

The Amazon. The answer to both questions is the Amazon. Typically, we use 'largest' to mean 'longest', which in that case, the Nile is the longest river. Who bases rivers on actual size or basin area?

I'm going to use this strip to comment on the notion that I worry about Chip using AI for his comics. I first felt my Spider-sense going off in this strip where the art is just a little off. But I can chalk that up to a bad ink/coloring job that slipped through. But it really started to hit me here, the 3-part Wilberforce/Money saga, and these speech tails. And, lastly, this seems like a strip he used AI for. Saying the Amazon is the largest/longest river in the world is a mistake AI would make. Is AI being used to help write the strip and touch up the art? I hope not. Maybe I'm just being nitpicky about today's strip.

Right and Wrong

Yeah, I see that. I know that I'm not always right, but I do know people who I know are always wrong. I would never tell them that, mainly because I am not in a position of power and don't want to get punched.

I have started sharing stuff from my part-time history job on my social medias. If you don't, follow me on Threads and Bluesky. Today, I posted dishes and a table from the Security Benefit Association.

Witch Hat Hair Wednesday

The humidity makes your hair do that? Ohio must be at 100% humidity 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

At least Mother Gargle has hair to do something with, Brutus. Ha! Bald burn!

I'm Gonna Be the Very Best...

I think every kid goes through a "Can I be an Olympian" phase. My sport would be the running ones. I thought I pretty fast when I was younger. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. I don't know.

What's with the speech tail? Are Brutus and Wilberforce using their r o b o t  v o i c e ?

Brutus Would Use a Terrible Starting Word

Great. Now Brutus needs a new starting word. 'Born' is only four letters. What else can he use? 'Lemon'? 'Botch'? Those have been used too. There needs to be more five-letter words that mean 'loser'.

Sunday Is for Rest

January 31, 1988

You can't really cut Brutus out of your will. Whatever Gladys inherits would just become Brutus'. If Mother Gargle wants to cut Brutus out, she'd have to cut Gladys out as well. Although I do think Mother Gargle is that petty so I guess it's safe to be cautious.

A simple signed letter from Winston Churchill could fetch about $800-$2000, so not really the fortune Brutus is thinking. Now if Churchill wrote to Mother Gargle about how delightful Joseph Stalin and Franklin Roosevelt were during the Tehran Conference then that letter could fetch upwards of $50,000.

Had Mother Gargle mailed that letter, it could've turned the tide of World War II...

Brutus was originally planning to get up at 11!? I went to bed at one last night was still up by 8:30. Did Brutus really drug himself up or something? What time was Gladys up and why can't she help with the "chores"?

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Happiness = $$$

May 2, 1967

I don't understand why children can never get their own water. Is it because they should be in bed and not wandering around the house? I think Wilberforce is old enough to get his own water. It's not like he's in a crib, he sleeps in a bed.

Nice heart pajamas, Brutus.

What is going on with Wilberforce this week?! Is money all he thinks about? Is this some kind of brain damage? What I really hate are the dumb idioms. "Easy Street", "Money talks", "Is money the key to happiness". I'm glad it's Saturday so this, I guess I'll call it a storyline, is done.

Wilberforce the Last Two Days: 🤑

May 1, 1967

Did people still go to drive-in theaters when it was raining? I think you could still see the movie if it's raining hard enough. Why's the kid crying? I agree, shut him up! Is the Native American being shot at by arrows from other Native Americans? 

I feel a lot of my commentary on these old comics is just me asking about life back in the 1960s because I wasn't around for them. I need to work on that.

I think Brutus and Gladys need to sit Wilberforce down and talk to him about money. He's getting a little obsessed. I don't think you need to worry about money talking, Wilberforce. You won't have enough money for it to matter.

I Always Knew We Were Poor

April 29, 1967

Caddyshack is a movie that came out on July 25, 1980 and stars Rodney Dangerfield, Chevy Chase, and Bill Murray. The B-plot of the movie focuses on Murray's character trying to get rid of a gopher that is damaging the golf course. I don't honestly know how common rodents living(?) in the golf holes and I know that Caddyshack is based on Brian Doyle-Murray's time working as a caddy, and I'm not saying the Estate of Arthur B. Sansom II should sue Warner Bros., but I am saying maybe look into it.

This still counts though, right? I'd look it up but I already spent time looking up Caddyshack information.

I, and my wife, work with a lot of disadvantaged youths and they occasionally ask if we are rich. We are absolutely not. But they wonder what kind of house we live in and it's literally like this sometimes:

"Yeah, you rich."

Brutus is mixing metaphors but I can't explain how.

But He Has That Pencil In His Ear Like He Was Working...

April 28, 1967

What's going on? Is Brutus drunk? Is he having an "episode"? Does he have...what are those called? The vapors? The doldrums? Whatever it is, Gladys is not amused.

Oop. He got caught.

This week has been very up-and-down for Brutus. He's sleeping half the day away, he's getting yelled at, he's getting caught sleeping, Veeblefester's nose has lost all its color. Who knows what Thursday and Friday will bring?

Everybody Yell At Brutus Day

April 27, 1967

None of this is getting through to Brutus. He is too enamored by seeing all of Gladys' teeth as she screams, her face getting red, and her green bloodshot eyes. Although maybe some is getting through in that last panel...

Poor Brutus is getting yelled at in both strips today. :(  At least Gladys isn't stepping on his foot.

Is Brutus talking about another buffet?

Break Time

April 26, 1967

How did Brutus land in that position? Maybe he wants to be in that position. So he can be screwed by capitalism.

Brutus should construct a little bunk bed underneath his desk. You know what I'm talking about.

It's just a break. You can stop working and grab yourself a cup of coffee at any point of the day, you don't have to wait for your 15-minute break. Get up, grab a cup of coffee, go back to work.

Should the Coffee Pot Just Be Sitting On the Table Like That?

Nancy, March 4, 2026

Huh. Nancy's Aunt Fritzi is now canonically (at least) bisexual. Guy Gilchrist would never! Ernie Bushmiller is sitting in a rocking chair, slowly rocking, smiling, and nodding in acquiescence.

January 24, 1988

That doesn't seem like $200 worth of franks.

I'm also confused by the phrase "This one takes the rag off the bush" and the look of that administrative assistant. That definitely isn't Miss Preen.

I'm fine with the rom-com but I'd be a little miffed at the Asian fusion. I'm sure it's fine, but Asian food isn't something that's in the top three of food I'd choose. Mexican, American, Italian would be my top three. I'm sure someone reading this has a problem with that.

What was Wilberforce doing during this time? Did he get any Asian fusion? Did Wilberforce even have a babysitter or was he just chained out in the backyard?

Saturday Quickies

April 25, 1967

That's what you get for loving him, a face full of gum. This wouldn't happen to anyone to kisses me. I can't chew gum anymore. It hurts my jaw as soon as it goes in!

Ha ha ha! Uncle Ted is going to die because he can't afford prescriptions. Ha ha! It's funny! What a great country we have here.