The Best Defense Is a Good Offense...

June 7, 1987

Careful, Brutus. Don't upset Veeblefester. He'll take it out on all of us and ultimately declare war on Chicago.

Veeblefester came over to play chess? Is this a play date? That's cute.

Am I going to have to get into sports to continue reading this comic? I swear to God...

There's only a finite number of positions on the team. The odds of having the same position as your father is 1/11. What does Wilberforce do when his team is playing defense?

Read about Capt. Kid becoming a drum major and getting his ass handed to him. If you would like to support me or this website, head to the link at the top of the page.

Click

October 19, 1966

Nobody said there'd be juice.

Unlimited juice? This party is going to be off the hook!

Notice no one else is affected so he's either drinking a lot or he just can't hold his liquor. Either reason seems plausible.

"Old Brutus isn't very tech-savvy, is he?" "What makes you say that?" He still uses mostly coaxial cables. I didn't even know you could still do that.

As much as I hate to admit it, Brutus is roughly around my age. The Thornapples are Millennials. There's no reason Brutus needs to call the remote a "clicker" because he would never have a remote that clicks. I consider myself an old soul and know of and about a lot of old-timey things, and I've never called the remote a "clicker".

A Drum Minor

Let's get back to Captain Kid. From Comic Comics #6, September 1946. I don't understand Capt. Kid's deal. What were creators thinking when they created him? Did they have a deadline to create a certain number of characters and were just like "annoying piece of shit who's not good at anything...and he's dressed stupid"?

Today, Capt. Kid says he's a drum major. I'm sure he'll fail.

🠜 If Capt. Kid can't swim then why was he on the water. In a small boat. Alone? It's a shame Jetsam Joe will drown along side Capt. Kid. Jetsam Joe doesn't deserve that.

I hope whatever Pudgy is going to spit at Capt. Kid shatters his skull and kills him.

Why can't Capt. Kid wear normal clothes? Everyone else is! I'm not a dress code guy, but I would definitely send Capt. Kid home and tell him not to come back until we can't see his nipples anymore. And we will see them a lot in this story.

I love how Mr. Whoever-This-Is just ignores Capt. Kid. I'm sure a lot of adults do that.

Can the rest of the comic just be this black-and-white film focused on a drum major?

*satisfied sigh* Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.

"Here's a book so that you can practice doing something you've never done before in your life."
"Throw it out!"

Mr. Whoever-This-Is should ask for a backup. Surely he can find or buy another baton, and Capt. Kid threw the instruction book away.

*mutters and grumbles* ...shove that baton somewhere...

Ha ha! Let's see that again...

I'm not a drum major, never played a drum--or any instrument--or did anything with a baton, but I do know that if you have to run after your baton, you threw it wrong.

Ha ha! Get wrecked, dork!

Get that out of my face!

Quick! Someone toss a stool where his head is going to fall!

He's not going to hurt himself falling onto the vague yellow void.

I don't think this magnet thing is going to work. Actually, it will probably work, even though it shouldn't.

He better be or this is going to be a crappy parade. At least the drummers will be good. We can just ignore whatever Capt. Kid is doing.

He can't just bend over and pick it back up? This kid is a failure in everything.

Do the thing, Capt. Kid...

Ha ha! Get wrecked, dork!

OH MY GOD! He's getting trampled by the drumline! Capt. Kid has failed and wasn't rescued by dumb luck! 🥳💃🎈🎉

Can I Get Peanuts and Crackerjack At a Football Game?

October 18, 1966

This insurance agent looks like he might die soon. But he probably has insurance.

Brutus dies within the next week. It's clearly murder. "I wonder who did it," the police ask. "Brutus was loudly threatened with death by an insurance salesman last week." "Hmm. I guess this case will remain...unsolved."

Someone could probably rewrite "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" to fit football. We should also play "Baby Elephant Walk" at football games more. Creating or rewriting songs to be about football is probably cheaper than paying for the rights to actual songs.

Scrolling Through Old Sports Comics

October 17, 1966

Did...Did this guy just accidentally blow his brains out? I mean, I guess he's still standing there and maybe he looks burned(?), but that's clearly a gun and NOT a cigarette lighter. I'm glad Veeblefester finds it so funny. What does he care, it's another head for his wall. Not that there's a lot of head probably left under that bad scan.

The elephant foot trashcan? (ottoman?) makes me physically ill.

Hmm. Now I know where Gladys and Wilberforce get it...

"This is the middle of the third quarter." Ok. That doesn't answer my question at all.

Hey, wait a minute...  2014       2025  Wilberforce already knew hockey had three quarters and two halftimes.

Lovin' a New Oven

October 15, 1966

Why is she being ruled ineligible? Is it because she's a girl? I think you could fight that. I know Title IX isn't going to be a thing for six more years, but I think Mary Josephine has a case.

Does she have two names to underscore the facts she's a girl to the readers. "Mary" wasn't quite enough?

You painted the kitchen earlier this year. You were going to get new countertops just last month. Now a new oven? What's going on with the Thornapple kitchen?

Worry Wart

October 14, 1966

Based on the expression on his face, Wilberforce isn't exactly sure why he painted your chair either. You know when you get an impulse and you just do something? That's what happened to Wilberforce.

"Orange crate" seems oddly specific.

I feel that if I had more money, I'd have fewer worries. Maybe that's just me.

And I feel it's your partner's main job to not make life harder for you, so thank you for the compliment.

The Last Labor Day

October 13, 1966

The song they're singing sounds familiar but I've already spent way too much time trying to look it up. And look, if she's that eager to sing love songs with who I'm assuming is a stranger then she probably wasn't ever yours to begin with.

That horse is not amused.

Didn't we elect Trump to specifically bring down costs? Instead all Trump did was suck and not die.

Maybe Gladys should get a job. Even something part-time. And then next year when child labor laws are abolished, Wilberforce can get a job.